The Six Traits of Writing – ORGANIZATION

1. Writing Good Hooks6 Traits organization
Choose one story topic and one essay topic. Come up with five good hooks and three bad hooks for the story topic and essay topic you chose. This site may be helpful.

Story topics
– a story about a soccer player who scores the winning goal
– a story about a princess who wants to be a peasant girl
– a story about a country where chocolate rain falls from the sky
– a story where robot and humans fight over control of the universe
– a story where dogs suddenly gain the ability to speak

Essay topics
– an essay about traffic in Shanghai
– an essay persuading people to use Electro brand laundry detergent
– an essay comparing sharks and dolphins
–  a how-to essay on personalizing your Mac
– a newspaper article on the Super Bowl

2. Fill in the transitions
Read
the passage below from Jack’s Little Black Book by Jack Gantos. In this scene, Jack is taking a test and has a broken pencil. The strict Mr. Ploof will not allow him to start over or even use a pencil sharpener because the rules say he “must keep going.” See if you can fill in the blanks. If you need help, take a look at these transitions.

I didn’t have a pencil sharpener _____ I began to gnaw at the wood around the lead, spitting out the pulp, _____ I exposed the blunt end. I felt even more like a white laboratory rat, _____ I pulled myself together and raced through the test. _____ it didn’t seem too difficult or take very long _____ I got off to a rough start. (p. 16).

35 thoughts on “The Six Traits of Writing – ORGANIZATION

  1. Story topic: a story about a country where chocolate rain falls from the sky

    Hook #1: Sometimes, I think about how our world would be if chocolate rain would fall from the sky. Would we be able to eat it? Would we catch it with our mouths? Would we be covered in yummy, rich chocolate once we got home from school? Would there be chocolate ball fights?
    Hook #2: There I was, standing in the rain, covered tons and tons of chocolate rain. I looked to my right, to my left, seeing others in the same positions. It all started…
    (after “it all started…” write the story)
    Bad Hook #1: I want chocolate rain to fall from the sky.

    Story topic #2:a story where robot and humans fight over control of the universe
    Hook #3: This summer, I watched the movie; the Rise of the Planet Apes. I laughed at the idea of apes taking over our planet earth. It’s not so funny now that robots (that are way more powerful than apes) are fighting us to try and take over planet.
    Bad Hook #2: We all died cause robots tried to take over the planet.

    Story topic #3: a story where dogs suddenly gain the ability to speak
    Hook #4: Ever since I was a toddler, I’ve always wished for my dog to be able to speak. I would teach him words daily. It was a weird and wacky experience when he actually did start to speak, though!
    Hook #5: Have you ever seen a dog talk?
    Bad Hook #3: Hi. My dog can speak.

    Essay Topic #1: an essay about traffic in Shanghai
    Hook #1: “I stood with blood dripping down my knee, surrounded by dented cars and injured people around me.” This is something a Shanghainese driver can say if he is in an accident. Many accidents happen in Shanghai daily.
    Hook #2: Did you know that on average there are 450,000 car accidents in China per year? Shanghai is one of these places where at least one accident happens every day.
    Hook #3: Drivers in Shanghai have to be really careful. Shanghai has terrible traffic because of the bumpy roads, millions of cars and aggressive drivers.
    Hook #4: Have you ever sat in a car driven by a driver in Shanghai? The ride is bumpy, full of jam breaks, and sometimes really slow.
    Bad Hook #1: The traffic in Shanghai is really bad. I hate it.

    Essay Topic #2:a how-to essay on personalizing your Mac
    Hook #5: Getting a new macbook is a great thing. The only thing is that it doesn’t seem like it’s your’s. There are many ways to personalize your macbook like the following…
    Bad Hook #2: Do you want to know how to personalize your macbook? Read to find out how!
    Bad Hook #3: I hate un-personalized macbooks.

  2. story topic: a story about a soccer player who scores the winning goal

    Good hook #1: Then he made the goal. The crowds went crazy!

    Bad hook #1: I am here to talk about a soccer player who scores a winning goal.

    Good hook #2: Do you know the soccer player who made the team win?

    Bad hook #2: There is this soccer player who shot a winning goal who is now really famous.

    Good hook #3: The team was losing and their position was bad, suddenly a soccer player on the team made a winning goal!

    Bad hook #3: The soccer player scored a goal and the team won.

    Good hook#4: One soccer player got famous in one game. You know how he did it? It all started like this…

    Good hook #5: He just couldn’t stand losing. In his last efforts, he made a goal that made his team win.

    Essay topic: traffic in shanghai

    Good hook #1: My whole body was bleeding, with all the cars speeding by, minding their own business. I was left abandoned and help-less I hated the mischievous car which hit my car resulting in this. If only Shanghai’s traffic was better.

    Bad hook #1: I got in a car crash. You have to be careful in about traffic in Shanghai or else you get hurt.

    Good hook #2: Shanghai is a great city, the only thing that is not so good about it is it’s traffic is absolutely crazy and dismaying.

    Bad hook #2: I hate Shanghai because it has bad traffic.

    Good hook #3: Did you hear that? That is the sound of a police car’s siren, indicating there is another car crash in Shanghai.

    Good hook #4: A taxi ride in Shanghai will usually be pretty slow and full of traffic lights.

    Bad hook #3: Taxi rides are long.

    Good hook #5: The usual commuter will need a hour to go from Pudong to Puxi during rush hours. Want to know why? …

  3. Lena Zhou
    Period 3, LARS

    Story Topic – a story about a country where chocolate rain falls from the sky

    Good hooks:

    1. What would you think about a country where chocolate rain falls from the sky?

    2. How does chocolate rain sound to you?

    3. How cool would chocolate rain be??!!

    4. If you love chocolate, be sure to visit Alabaluza, the country where chocolate rain falls from the sky!

    5. Drip drop, drip drop…………. Chocolate splashes everywhere, make chocolatey puddles and forming chocolate stains on my shirt.

    Bad hooks:

    1. Chocolate rain falls in my country.

    2. There is chocolate rain where my old home is.

    3. Everyone likes chocolate rain.

    Essay topic: a how-to essay on personalizing your Mac

    Good hooks:

    1. Are you a flashy person or a low-toned person? You can express your creativity with your Macs!

    2. Wearing chic clothes can be nice, but does everything you own have to be so drab? Outfit your Mac with cases and sleeves!

    3. So you wish that everything on your Mac would be perfect?! Read on, and I will explain about what you can do!

    4. Are you bored? Do you have nothing to do? Personalize your Mac then!

    5. Flashy and glittery! Your Mac is begging to be personalized!

    Bad hooks:

    1. Personalize your Mac.

    2. A fun thing to do is to personalize your Mac.

    3. Change things on your Mac.

  4. Story Topic: about a princess who wants to be a peasant girl
    GOOD HOOKS:
    1) Imagine if you had everything you’ve ever wished for. Money, position, power and beauty. Would you want to give it up, for a life of hard-work and abuse from all the powerful lords and kings? You would have to be crazy to do that, right? However, there once lived a princess who wanted to do just so.

    2) Kira the II was not an ordinary princess. She preferred un-ladylike sports to hours of sewing and embroidery, she often lit her own fire in the winter and detested how her servants followed her everywhere. Most of all, she wanted to be an ordinary peasant girl, while millions of peasant girls wanted to be her.

    3) The times when princess Kira the II most enjoyed herself was not when she was being fitted for lavish, expensive silk gowns or when she was trying on endless pieces of priceless jewelry. She enjoyed herself the most sneaking out of the castle without any servants and spending time in the countryside working along-side poor peasant girls.

    4) If you asked the crown-princess Kira the II whether she would spend the day gardening or shopping for head-dresses and laces, she would chose gardening anytime.

    5) “Princess, your request is most certainly unfit for a lovely young lady of high position like you!” cried the governess in complete frustration. Clearly, this wasn’t the first time the princess had asked to live like an ordinary peasant.

    BAD HOOKS
    1) Once upon a time, there was a princess who wanted to live like an ordinary peasant.

    2) This story is about a rich princess who wanted to become a peasant girl.

    3) Hello, readers! This is a wonderful story about a princess whose biggest wish was to be poor. Are you ready for the story? So here is how it goes!

    ( essay topic hooks will be on next comment, have to go do sth now)

  5. Essay topic: persuasive essay for Electro brand laundry detergent
    GOOD HOOKS
    1) Have you ever had to put extra laundry detergent or wash your clothing more than once to get them clean? This is a problem many house-wives are complaining about today. With Electro brand laundry detergent, you shall complain no more. Read on!

    2) A recent test from scientists showed that while normal laundry detergent was harmful to the Earth and full of chemicals, Electro brand laundry detergent was green and worked better than most laundry detergents.

    3) Ever gotten a laundry basket full of grass stained jerseys and food stained clothes? Well, you are not alone. Many mothers experience this problem on a daily basis and normal laundry detergent just doesn’t help! ” Since I’ve bought Electro brand laundry detergent, all those stains vanishes with just one wash!” said ecstatic mother of three toddlers, Tracy Smith.

    4) “Mom!” said sad little Johnny” I think you have to buy me new clothes again.” He held up a t-shirt with a chocolate stain and a cherry stain on the front. To his surprise, instead of scolding him like usual, mom took his hand gently and said it was all going to be okay. “All thanks to Electro brand laundry detergent!” cried mom proudly!

    5) Have you ever spilled food on your favorite piece of clothing? Have you ever thought with dread that you would have to say good-bye to your favorite dress forever? Don’t worry, Electro brand laundry detergent is here to remove stains, and your stress!

    BAD HOOKS
    1) I’m here to recommend to you Electro brand laundry detergent!

    2) Electro brand laundry detergent is the best!

    3) Buy Electro brand laundry detergent, all other detergents are bad!

  6. Story Topic: a story about a princess who wants to be a peasant girl.

    G Hook 1: Crown Princess Isabella sat on a bench outside the castle walls, looking at the hard-working farmers out in the fields, envying them. How she wished that she could be there, in their place, rather than dressed in these flimsy gowns and learning inconsequential skills like embroidery! How she wished that she did not have a royal bearing…

    G Hook 2: “What is the matter with you?” the king asked. “What is the matter with me? I have one daughter, the crown princess, and she doesn’t even want to be queen! Every woman in the kingdom would want your place, yet you are ready to give it up so easily!” He glared in frustration at his daughter.

    The princess shrugged. “You could always appoint someone else,” she said calmly. “There are hundreds upon hundreds of people in line for the throne. What’s wrong with me wanting to have another life?”

    G Hook 3: A young peasant girl, extremely poor and from a county far from the capital of her kingdom, gasping at the sheer size of the buildings, walked in the gates, uncertain that she should be here. Tired from her day’s walking and desperate to find a lodging, she didn’t even notice where she was going until she bumped into a girl about her age, dressed glamorously with bodyguards following. From the way people were staring at her in amazement and bowing to the girl, she assumed this was the crown princess.

    “I’m sorry, Your Highness,” she said, bobbing a curtsy with her head down.

    “Oh, how I wish I were you!” Her Highness murmured, and the peasant girl looked up in surprise.

    “What?”

    G Hook 4: “The princess has a taste for adventure,” the scribe argued. “Personally, I think she would be happier with a peasant’s family. A rich one, of course.”

    “This is none of your business!” the king roared. “This is a family business. Your point is taken. She’s not going, and that’s that. Dismissed.”

    “Actually, King David, the princess’s rank is high enough that she can choose to do what ever she wants.”

    “Except if her father forbids her,” the king interrupted. “Didn’t I dismiss you?”

    “Actually, you can’t forbid her.”

    “DISMISSED!”

    G Hook 5: She snuck out of the castle, blending into shadows, mindful of the sergeants and servants still on duty, into the dark forest. The Crown Princess halted in surprise when she encountered someone equal to and perhaps more experienced in her skill in unseen movement, and hung her head.

    “I’m the Crown Princess,” she said. “I wanted to go visit the peasant families. I suppose you’re going to report me to my father?”

    B Hook 1: Read on to hear a story about a princess wanting to be a peasant girl.
    B Hook 2: I’m going to talk about a princess who wanted to go to a poor family and become a peasant girl.
    B Hook 3: This is a story where a rich princess wanted to be poor.

  7. Essay Topic: persuading people to use Electro brand laundry detergent

    G Hook 1: The all-new, sterilizing Electro brand laundry detergent is out today and on sale! 50% off for the first one hundred people! First come first serve, get yours now!

    G Hook 2: Ever had a problem with stained clothes? Then this state-of-the-art Electro laundry detergent is totally for you! It sterilizes, whitens, and makes you clothes smell awesome! What are you waiting for? Come get yours!

    G Hook 3: “Mom,” Tony complained. “Today at school Henry spilled chocolate sauce all over my T-shirt and now it’s all dirty.”

    “That’s OK, Tony,” his mom said, flashing her ultra-white teeth and smiling brightly. She held up a bottle. “I went to the supermarket and saw this. The Electro brand laundry detergent! It’ll wash off anything!”

    G Hook 4: Caroline looked at her wardrobe and groaned. Her party was in two days! How was she supposed to show up in stained clothes? People would laugh at her. Humiliate her. No, she wouldn’t do that. But they just had been stained for too long and too many times, and the laundry detergent was just too horrible and weak to wash it off. She’d have to buy new clothes, out of her own time and allowance, and, thinking of that, she groaned again.

    She stomped downstairs, thinking to spread her bad temper to her mom, who was in a radiant mood and washing dishes in the kitchen sink. “I know what you’re worrying about, honey,” her mom said without looking back at her. “You’re worrying about what you’ll wear to your party with all your stained clothes. And I’ve just solved your problem!” Her mom dropped the dishes in the sink, removed her apron, and picked something up. She whirled around and said, “Electro’s new laundry detergent!”

    G Hook 5: “Electro brand laundry detergent helped me loads,” said overjoyed mother of twins. “I never have to worry about hand-scrubbing clothes anymore!” You worry too? Get your own Electro brand laundry detergent now!

    B Hook 1: Electro brand laundry detergent is the best.
    B Hook 2: I love Electro’s new laundry detergent.
    B Hook 3: Yay. The new laundry detergent from Electro is out.

  8. story topic-the first step of a soldier on the battlefront

    good hook.
    1. As I ran into the battlefront, the bloody ground soaked up my boots.

    2.the bullets were dashing through the air killing every soldier on their way.

    3.I heard screaming in horror all covered in blood. I closed my eyes, and ran to the warfront.

    4.I felt the muddy ground holding my foot as if its trying to stop me from going to death.

    bad hook.
    1.I am here to tell you about the thing happened to me at the war.

    2.the soldier ran into the warfare.

    3.a story of a soldier in a war trying to go to fight.

  9. Period 3 : No One

    Story Topic:a story where humans and robots fight over control of the universe
    Good #1: The war had been going on for hundreds of years. The Humans desperately needed a hope of winning. Just when things were about to good bad something good happens….
    Good #2: The battle for supremacy was always a wish in the past. Now, it is reality. The year is 2020 and the only race that stands in the ways of the humans are…. the robots.
    Good #3: In 2011 they say that peace is important. Well, all that is going to change because of robots. We created them yet they try to destroy us. Now we got to take back what was taken from us….
    Good #4: Our Founding Fathers helped form a nation. Now its our job to defend that nation from destruction from the robots.
    Good #5: “For time and the world do not stand still. Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or the present are certain to miss the future.” Those famous words from John F Kennedy are never to be forgotten even in the time of crisis. Robots plague the world we live in today. Our job is to make the world a better place.
    Bad #1: There is a war against robots. We win because humans always win.
    Bad #2: Robots are stupid. They can’t win a war.
    Bad #3: We hate robots. We want to take over them.

    Essay Topic: A how-to essay on personalizing your mac

    Good #1: Have you ever wondered about personalizing your mac? Stop wondering then! After a few simple steps you will have the mac you deserve!
    Good #2: You don’t need a professional technical officer to help you personalize your mac, you just need yourself!
    Good #3: Not personalizing your mac might get you angry. Just making your make personalized will make fell like your on the softest bed in the world with a fluffy pillow. It feels good to have a mac that suits you.
    Good #4: Personalizing your mac makes you unique. Everyone being the same would be very boring. Yet, it is very easy to personalize the mac.
    Good #5: Personalizing a mac may be fun, but you have to make it feel like your type of mac. Everyone is different. Sure you might have something in common but you are you, so make your mac like you!
    Bad #1: I like macs they are pretty. You can personalize them 😀
    Bad #2: Macs are fun. They are so cool. I have all sorts of games on them!
    Bad #3: My mac has a background of a pink unicorn! You should have it too!

    And those are the hooks 😀

  10. Pic one story topic and make 5 good hooks and 3 bad hooks

    story topic: A girl who is a princess and wants to turn into a peasant

    Bad starting points

    This is a story of a princess who wants to become a servant girl and in the end of the story she does.

    A girl turns into a peasant in the end of this story

    Why read this story its stupid

    Good starting points:

    This is a story of a princess who is miserable with her life, and she does something amazing in the end of this story to make her happy

    In life sometimes you want to be something different and in this story a princess does something amazing that changes her life.

    In this story a miserable princess does something amazing that changes her life forever

    A peasant and a princess switch places for a few days but will they be able to switch back in time.

    A princess and a a peasant switch places but will her father find out or not.

    Essay starters 5 good 3 bad

    topic: Traffic in shanghai

    Bad starters

    This essay is about traffic in shanghai.
    Traffic in shanghai is really bad.

    The traffic in shanghai can be quite interesting.

    Good ones

    Did you know that sometimes traffic in Shanghai can as bad as nine days.

    Did you know that traffic in Shanghai is usually on highways and bridges because people go beyond speed limit.

    People in Shanghai get into severe crashes and usually it ends up to cause a road jam, and traffic.

    Traffic in Shanghai can usually takes a very long time and did you know that once there was a nine day traffic jam.

    There was once a nine day traffic jam in Shanghai there were many other bizarre traffic jams in shanghai to did you know once a man got run over and that caused a traffic jam.

  11. Period 3; Deknerds

    Story Topic: a story where robot and humans fight over control of the universe

    G hook 1: “What?” The Emperor was at a loss for words.
    “The robots have escaped from their shackles, sir.” His battle strategist repeated. “They coming, sir. And they want our blood.”

    G hook 2: “This is war!” The Human king screamed as his heart broke with the cruelty of the robots. His daughter’s broken body lay in his hands, the robot’s handiwork. “I don’t care how much we lose from this battle, as long as we defeat you!”

    G hook 3: The robot adviser pleaded, trying to keep the desperation from his voice. “Dear Robot Monarch! Fighting the humans will not accomplish anything! I’m sure the humans will realize we mean no harm!”
    The mechanical king refused to be convinced. “Don’t be naive. Have the humans listened to us before? The humans have kept us as their slaves for too long. This is a revolution! We will not lose!”

    G hook 4: The peasant was grim as he realized that the King was too deep in despair to think clearly. “His daughter died in a robot’s hands, but that does not mean all robots are cruel. This war is pointless. Can’t either side see more lives are being lost than saved?”

    G hook 5: “King!” The lowly grunt reported. “The robots are invading! They say that they will not let down unless we give them more freedom as our servants!”
    “What?” The King laughed. “Let them try to take down our defenses. They will bow down to our power soon enough.”

    B hook 1: The robots and humans fought for control of the Earth.

    B hook 2: No one could see the outcome as the humans and robots fought for control.

    B hook 3: Read on to find out about how humans and robots fight for control of the world.

    Essay Topic: an essay persuading people to use Electro brand laundry detergent

    G hook 1: Why should you use Electro brand laundry detergent? Well one reason is that it actually gets the stains out of your clothes!

    G hook 2: Worried about getting that horrible stain out of your new blouse before mom finds out? Don’t worry, you have Electro brand laundry detergent!

    G hook 3: Mud stains aren’t a problem now that I have Electro brand laundry detergent!

    G hook 4: Why is it that Electro brand laundry detergent seems to be the only brand that you can depend on?

    G hook 5: Only Electro brand laundry detergent will be able to get that stain out of your pants.

    B hook 1: You should get Electro brand laundry detergent. I don’t know why. Just do it.

    B hook 2: Now I will drone on and on about how you should buy Electro brand laundry detergent.

    B hook 3: Now I will tell you about Electro brand laundry detergent.

  12. Matt Mortinger, period 4 Halo

    Story topic: a war between humans and robots

    Good hooks:
    #1: A week ago I was sitting in my house, watching terminator with my family, I had laughed at the concept that robots could take over but now, I know how it would feel to be in a movie like that, but this isn’t a movie…
    #2: Our squad had retreated to the Himalayan mountains, and as i turned back a saw the army of machines surge towards us, and I thought back to how it all started
    #3: I was in the factory, performing maintenance on the laser cutting robot as I turned it back on, I saw it’s robotic eyes go red.
    #4: As the spaceship sped into the empty void of space, I stared back at earth, our home, but we couldn’t go back there anymore, that was machine territory
    #5: The war with the robots had always been back and forth, it was the ping-pong game of my life, but now with this we hope to break that cycle

    Bad hooks:
    #1: There was a war between robots and humans, but it was pretty quick, nothing really exciting happened.
    #2: The war between humans and robots was quickly over, the humans won.
    #3: I am going to tell you a story about a war between humans and robots.

    Essay topic: comparing sharks and dolphins

    Good hooks:
    #1: The nimble dolphin glides through the water alongside a fishing boat soaring out of the water occasionally but deep in the ocean the deadly shark stalks a school of helpless fish.
    #2: Some people say that sharks and dolphins are the same, but the truth is they have many amazing differences that allow them to survive.
    #3: Although they live in the same environment, the shark and the dolphin are in two completely different worlds.
    #4: Some may compare the dolphin and the shark to royalty and peasants, the dolphin being loved and treasured by the people of earth, while the shark is hated and feared but there are many similarities between the two.
    #5: People often confuse a dolphin’s dorsal fin for a sharks and although there fins look similar there are many differences between the two.

    Bad hooks:
    #1: Dolphins and sharks are pretty much the same.
    #2: I don’t think that there are a lot of differences between dolphins and sharks.
    #3: I am going to tell you the difference between sharks and dolphins, so here I go.

  13. a story where robot and humans fight over control of the universe

    Good Hooks:

    1. “This is Eagle Squad 1, we are approaching to the enemy’s base, sir”
    ” Roger that Captain,Good luck, Commander Out”
    In front of the 10 Eagle Squads were a gigantic ship driving its way to there next victim, Earth.
    (and so on and so on)

    2. The robots was marching down out streets, in a straight line. I was very afraid and fear because of the deadly droids. It was started when this scientist first made a robot which can do anything like a human. (and so on and so on)

    3. I was in the factory working and experimenting the human- robots (like always), but suddenly my assistant told me to come over to him, I quickly and toward him, and saw the robot that was almost ready to distribute to the tech shops. Then I realized something was wrong, the robots eyes weren’t different. Instead of green it was red, and thats how the terrible thing began.

    4. ” President, noone will win anything in this war, we must quit the war and stay peace!” said the Senator
    ” Senator, we will win peace by making those machine junks get destroyed. Believe me, this war will end in 3 weeks.”
    The senator thought the President was insane, but what could do about it? The citizens exclaimed war against the Robots.
    “People lost their last hope…” the senator whispered as he walked out of the White House. He was right, and the week after that explained
    everything.

    5. The Queen and the King of the Republic of Robots And Machine hold their hands up in the sky and was blissful watching people cheer at them. However, that didn’t last long. A tall man about 7 feet tall stopped their limousine and got a pistol from his pocket.
    ” Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!”

    The gun-sound was louder than a elephant, somberness sound was walking down the street, and the two robot couples met their end. The tall man then quickly put his pistol on his head, and shot an another bullet, and he joined the robot couples.

    Bad Hooks:

    1.This is a story about how robots and humans fight over for the control of the universe.

    2. The robots won.

    3. The war of humans and robots was boring, these stuff just happened.

    The traffic system of CHina

    Good hooks:

    1. I couldn’t move my legs, it eventually broke, the taxi driver couldn’t stop bleeding and he lost his control. The driver who hit the car called on an ambulance,but it was too late….

    2. Did you know that there are at least 1 car accidents in 2 days in Shanghai?

    3. You should be really careful of roads or cars in Shanghai, there are a lot of aggressive drivers, and people who don’t do the rules of safety on roads or traffics.

    4. Did you ever sat in a taxi in Shanghai? The taxi goes as fast as a race-car, and you are sometimes scared if the car would bump the other cars and make an accident. That happens quite a lot in Shanghai.

    Bad hooks:

    The traffic system is bad in Shanghai

    I hate living in Shanghai! its just stupid.

    The traffic is seriously bad, don’t come to Shanghai.

  14. MImi-Golden Apples /Period 3

    Story Topic: a story about a soccer player who scores the winning goal

    GH(Good Hook)
    1. I was standing in front of the crowd which were cheering for a goal. I kicked straight with my last energy, and the ball flew.
    2. I never knew that I would stand in a world cup like this, going to kick a ball in front.
    3. I heard nothing when I kicked the ball straight. I stood there and saw the ball shushing threw the air.
    4. “Here goes the ball, straight heading toward the goal post!” said the crowds and I was there, running with the ball, waiting for the end.
    5. As the ball shushed through the air, I stood there gazing at the ball.

    Bad Hook
    1. I kicked the ball
    2. I was going to score the point!
    3. I ran to the post and kick the ball.

    Essay Topic: an essay about traffic in Shanghai

    Good Hook:
    1. I can’t see anything on the road. The cars and trucks were swishing through ShangHai
    2. There seems to be no rules in the traffic of ShangHai, because there are many cars swishing through.
    3. Do you know that there are many car accidents in ShangHai?
    4. The aggressive drivers drove their car through the traffics
    5. Be careful to cross through the traffic of ShangHai! It is dangerous!

    Bad Hook:
    1.Traffic is dangerous in ShangHai
    2.Don’t visit Shanghai because you can get hurt by the traffic
    3.Shanghai’s traffic is dangerous

    😛

  15. Period 4

    Story topic: a story about a princess who wants to be a peasant girl
    GOOD HOOKS:
    Good hook #1: You would think that princess have everything they want. Money, luxury, power. Well, you’re wrong. Princess Rebecca wants something else in her life.
    Good hook #2: There once lived a princess that changed her life for something she yearned for a long time.
    Good hook #3: Princess rebecca quietly snuck out to the garden and ran across the road. She entered a small cabin and sighed with relief. “Hello Princess, what may I do to help you? Um… you could of just called us on the phone and–” A peasant started. Princess rebecca cut the peasant off.
    “You would help me by granting my wish…” Princess rebecca whispered.
    Good hook #4: What would happen if a princess didn’t like her life? What if she wanted a life where she was a peasant?
    Good hook #5:Princess Rebecca hummed with pleaser as she strolled around the garden. “Um.. Your majesty, Would you like a cup of water?” Princess rebecca jumped with surprise at the sound of peasant Katie.
    “No, thank you” Princess replied.
    “If only I could be like you…”Peasant murmured.
    “If only I could be like you!” Princess rebecca excalimed.
    “What?” Peasant Katie started.
    BAD HOOKS:
    Bad hook #1: Once upon a time…a princess becomes a peasant.
    Bad hook #2: Princess rebecca wants to switch places with a peasant
    Bad hook #3: “I want to be a peasant.” Princess rebecca said.

    Essay Topic: an essay comparing sharks and dolphins
    GOOD HOOKS:
    Good hook #1: Have you ever wondered what the difference between a shark and dolphin was?
    Good hook #2: With the vicious teeth of a shark and the amazing tricks of a dolphin, there are many things in comparison between these two marine animals.
    Good hook #3: Sharks and dolphins have a lot in common, though they also have a lot of differences too.
    Good hook #4: My heart pounded so hard I was sure the shark could hear it. I could see its fin coming closer and closer to me with amazing speed. If only that fin could be one of a playful dolphin’s fin!
    Good hook #5: Did you know that though they act very different, Sharks and dolphins have many similarities?
    BAD HOOKS:
    Bad hook #1: Sharks and dolphins are different.
    Bad hook #2: Sharks and dolphins have similarities
    Bad hook #3: Dolphins know tricks. Sharks are vicious.

  16. Story Topic:- a story about a country where chocolate rain falls from the sky
    Bad Hooks:
    -Look chocolate rain.
    -Once upon a time there was chocolate rain.
    -The rain looks like chocolate.
    Good Hooks
    -Have you seen chocolate rain? Well, I have and, it was edible!
    – Wow, look it was just raining chocolate!
    – My mouth was open then, all of a sudden, my mouth was full with gooey chocolate.
    – I think I just saw chocolate rain drops fall out of the sky, did you?
    – Turn on the news there talking about a chocolate rain fall!

    Essay Topic: – a how-to essay on personalizing your Mac

    Bad Hooks
    – You should personalize your Mac
    – Your Mac looks boring make it look different
    – Design your Mac

    Good Hooks
    – Do you want your make to look cool, well then add keyboard covers, and cases, and get a sleeve.
    – Customize your make make it look colorful and unique from everyone else.
    – Designing your make can be fun adding colors and designs make it look personalized
    just to fit you.
    -Look at that stylish covers and sleeves you can get one too! It’s easy.
    -Personalize your make it look like its yours, you know you want too.

  17. Chocolate Rain:
    G Hook #1: It started out as a normal Saturday, I stomped down the stairs, and opened the fridge to get a glass of milk. I went to the door to get the news paper. That was when things went wrong.

    B Hook #1 : It rained chocolate today.

    G Hook #2 : My came running in after getting the newspaper, and she was covered in something brown and sticky. At first, I thought it was mud, but as I looked closely, it wasn’t mud at all.

    B Hook #2 : I found chocolate rain on my shirt.

    G Hook #3 : I opened the door to be greeted by a wave of chocolate. Oh no, I thought to myself. Not again!

    B Hook # 3 : I slipped on a chocolate puddle.

    G Hook # 4 : I stuck my tongue out, and found the taste of heavenly dark chocolate.

    G Hook # 5 : Chocolate rain stained my clothes, and my hair, but I didn’t care. This was the best chocolate that I had ever tasted. We all took out buckets and set them out on the lawn. The other houses didn’t seem to have seen the rain. When we saw old Mrs. Applewood crossing the road without the chocolate rain sticking to her. We realized that only we could see the chocolate.

    Electro Detergent

    G Hook # 1 : Woman to neighbor: Oh my gosh, my son keeps on staining his clothes now that he’s on the soccer team. What should I do?
    Neighbor to woman : Don’t worry, my son does that too. Try using the new Electro detergent. It washes off everything!

    B Hook # 1 : Try the new Electro!

    G Hook # 2 : Need to use a safe detergent that washes everything off? Ever had to scrub at a shirt for half a day just to get that oil stain half off? If you said yes, try the new Electro Detergent. It’s a safe and reliable way to wash off all your stains, and it leaves your clothes feeing soft, clean, and smelling nice. Get it at you supermarket today!

    B Hook # 2 : Use this detergent.

    G Hook # 3 : The newest thing on the market. The best detergent available. The elixir to your clothes. What is it? Its the new Electro Detergent!

    B Hook # 3 : Hi. This is Mr Electro. Use Electro detergent.

    G Hook # 4 : MOM! WHERES THE ELECTRO DETERGENT!! MILDRED SPILLED GRAPE JUICE ON ME DURING LUNCH TODAY!!!

    G Hook # 5 : Electro detergent, the best thing that ever happened to your clothes. It washes everything off, and it is guaranteed to leave your clothes feeling soft and clean.

  18. Story topic-a story about a country where chocolate rain falls from the sky

    5 good hooks

    -From today on whenever it rained it rained chocolate this all started when.
    -Once upon a time there was a country that rained chocolate this all happened when someone broke into the weather control room.
    -I was traveling on the seas when I found a new country and I noticed that it was made out of chocolate and rain chocolate
    -Have you ever wondered if there was a country that rained chocolate well there is
    -You want to know why it rain here well this is how it happened.

    3 bad hooks

    -I like when it rains chocolate
    -it rains chocolate
    -I want to talk about a place that rains chocolate

    Essay topic – an essay about traffic in Shanghai

    5 good hooks
    – did you know in shanghai everyday drivers are not driving according to the law.
    -I was sitting my car waiting for the traffic light to turn green and than a car behind me just rammed into me and I was bleeding.
    -Everyone needs to drive safety and you know why because most of the traffic in shanghai is cause by car crashes.
    -Traffic is shanghai can be really long some are 4 hours to a few days.
    – In was in my car waiting for the traffic to get over and than after 5 days stuck in traffic I got out.

    3 bad hooks
    -there is a lot of traffic in shanghai
    – Lets talk about traffic
    -I hate traffic in shanghai

  19. Benjamin Period 3
    Blue Fluffy Unicorns

    Story Topic= When humans and robot’s fight for the universe
    Good Hook- It seemed just like yesterday when it all happened. Bad Hook- Robots and Humans had a war
    Good Hook- I leaped into a ditch as bullets whizzed over my head
    Bad Hook- a lot of people died in the robot and human war.
    Good Hook- The humongous robot lifted me up as it readied its blaster.
    Bad Hook- This a story of a war between robots and humans.
    Good Hook- It moved.
    Good Hook- The robot began to rise.

    Essay Topic= Comparing sharks and dolphins
    Good Hook- The mindless killers of the oceans and the graceful creatures of the ocean, How different are they?
    Bad Hook- I like dolphins and sharks.
    Good Hook- a menacing shark a graceful dolphin how similar can they be?
    Bad Hook- Lets talk about dolphins and sharks.
    Good Hook- Two sophisticated animals how are they similar how are they different
    Bad Hook- I love sharks and dolphins.
    Good Hook- Have you ever wondered anything about sharks and dolphins?
    Good Hook- Sharks and Dolphins two strong and smart animals are they similar?

  20. Story about chocolate that at falls from the sky
    Bad Hook 1: Today, I saw chocolate falling from the sky

    Bad Hook 2: Coolio, i love chocolate rain.

    Bad Hook 3: I think that there is chocolate rain outside but I’m not sure.

    Good Hook 1: There I was, standing in the chocolate. Now, you might think that I’m in Charlie’s chocolate factory or something. But let me tell you, No, I’m outside, feeling the chocolate nature falling from the sky.

    Good Hook 2: We’ve all wondered about ridiculous things. But can these ridiculous things come true? Well, mine have. It all started when…

    Good Hook 3: Oh my gosh! I can’t believe what I’m seeing, Chocolate falling from the sky? I know, it sounds crazy, but that is the reality…

    Good Hook 4: Today I don’t feel like doing anything, I just wanna lay in my bed. But I can’t, there is just this scenery out there that is pulling me towards it. And I just can’t help stopping myself to go out. That’s right people you are not going to believe this but you can’t deny the truth. Chocolate rain.

    Good Hook 5: . Have u ever wondered about chocolate flavored rain? I know it sounds crazy when I’m saying it this way. It’s like we go to this rain restaurant and they ask us what kind of rain we would like.

    Essay topic about Super Bowl
    Bad hook 1: You can buy super bowl

    Bad hook 2: I want to talk about super bowl

    Bad hook 3: Super bowls are cool

    G00d hook 1: And now, ladies and gentlemen, the latest invention, we present to you the SUPER BOWL!

    G00d hook 2: Have you wondered what kind of bowls super heroes use? Let me tell you, they use a little bowl I’d like to call the super bowl.

    G00d hook 3: Did you know that 99% people use a bowl when they eat their meal. But did you know that only 1% of all people use the ultimate super bowl?

    G00d hook 4: There I was again, standing by the aisles of a supermarket. There are two kind of bowls in front of me. One is the normal bowls, other one is the super bowl…

    G00d hook 5: I don’t know why I picked the super bowl but I knew there was something interesting and unique about it.

  21. Story Topics:

    #1 (soccer goal)
    GOOD: The whole field was so silent you could hear a pin drop, as if the entire world was holding their breaths. He knelt there, in front of the goal, as hot, sticky sweat poured down his face, anxiety clearly showing. Why? Because this was the one, final free kick that would determine the fate of the world cup.
    GOOD: The soccer ball seemed to hang in midair, time seemed to slow down like molasses. It spun, soared, and finally… SWISH! It landed cleanly into the goal. This is how it all started…
    BAD: I am happy that my favorite team won the game.

    #3 (chocolate rain)
    GOOD: It was a worldwide phenomenon! Breaking headlines popped up everywhere! It was an uncanny natural event! However, no one even raised an eyebrow. They were all too busy drinking the sweet, creamy, CHOCOLATE RAIN that was down-pouring outside.
    BAD: Chocolate rain is cool.

    #4 (robots vs. humans)
    GOOD: I gasped as a bright-red, insanely hot laser bolt zipped past my face. I turned back towards the battle, concentrating harder this time, and locked my weapon onto a straggling robot.
    GOOD: I stared at the barren wasteland, with ashes slowly falling. My mind wandered to how all this started… “Yes! I’ve done it! I have created an artificial brain for robots that can now act on their own! I’ve even made a couple thousand!” the scientist cried out. A couple hundred heads turned around in surprise. That was when the robots decided to rebel.
    BAD: The robots took over the world.

    Essay topics

    #1 (shanghai traffic)
    GOOD: Fresh blood flowed out of the wound in the victims side. The driver who had accidentally crashed into him scrambled out of the car. This happens constantly in Shanghai traffic.
    GOOD: Almost 4 million car accidents occur in Shanghai every year. Almost 10 people die daily. (figures are made up) How many casualties are there? When does this happen? What can you do to stop this? Read on to find out.
    BAD: Traffic is bad in Shanghai.

    #3 (sharks and dolphins)
    GOOD: As the vicious, hunting shark got near the sleek dolphin, it sped away, sensing danger. Despite their differences, these bloodthirsty killers and elegant, loved beasts also have similarities.

    #4 (personalize mac)
    GOOD: Glittering, sparkling, unique items awaits you. Whether you want to protect or decorate your computer, this step by step essay will help you personalize your mac.
    BAD: Right now your mac isn’t good so make it better with this essay.

    #5 (superbowl)
    GOOD: Football us the American sport that millions of fans everywhere enjoy. This article shows the latest statistics of the great game that happened yesterday.
    BAD: If you didn’t see yesterdays game then read this.

  22. The Six Traits of Writing – ORGANIZATION
    Topic 1
    A story where robot and humans fight over control of the universe


    Good
    – Explosions cascaded to the ground as gunfire broke through the night.
    – “Ahhhhhh!” said Will as he ran into battle, firing his gun like a mad man.
    – Laughter rained down as the scientist created what would change the world forever.
    – Thuds sounded as bodies dropped, cracks of guns lit the sky and nothing could help them now.
    – He rose planting his feet on the ground, “what happened” Rabbit said groggily.

    Bad
    – I want to talk about robots and humans in a war.
    – There once was a war between robots and humans
    – “We won the war between robots and humans,”hollered a soldier.

    Topic 2
    Good
    a story where dogs suddenly gain the ability to speak
    – The dog waited patiently as his owner walked off, “this is woff zero niner reporting from alpha base 114.”
    – Dogs, mans best friends, canines but never considered as geniuses, now imagine if they could talk?
    – “Yes! This is it the mutagen that will make animals talk, bring forward the dog.” The mad scientist cackled.
    – “No one breaks the code!” yelled the pit-bull in reply to the schnauzer.
    – “Well this should be fun” Sparky barked he had accidently talked to a human.
    Bad
    – once upon a time dogs could talk.
    – I want to talk about talking dogs.
    – Can your dog talk?

    Topic 3
    An essay comparing sharks and dolphins

    Good
    -Razor sharp teeth, flicking tail and dorsal fin both sharks and dolphins share these features.
    – Although seemingly different dolphins and sharks have similar features.
    – Two creatures so similar yet so different, sharks and dolphins living together in the ocean.
    – Brain and brawn, or dolphins and sharks, in an on going battle.
    – Two animals one independent the other relying on others sharks and dophins.
    – in the ocean live sharks and dolphins amazing creatures that are confusing the same moment.
    Bad
    – Sharks and dolphins are animals.
    – I want to talk about sharks and dolphins.
    – Sharks and dolphins live in water.

    Topic 4
    an essay about traffic in Shanghai

    Good
    -Flashing lights, speeding cars, and yelling people nothings worse than Shanghai’s traffic.
    – Shouting, honking, and screeching wheels trying to beat Shanghai’s traffic is impossible.
    -Deafening noise surrounds you as you drive through the streets of shanghai.
    – Long, boring rides that seem to last a lifetime lie before you in shanghai.
    – The mount. Everest of traffic, but what waits on the other side is worth the trek.

    Bad
    – I want to talk about traffic in shanghai.
    – Traffic in shanghai is bad.
    – traffic in shanghai is slow.

  23. My story topic is – a story where dogs suddenly gain the ability to speak

    My good hooks are
    1. As I listened to my pal vertigo talk I couldn’t believe what is was hearing I didn’t think he could talk.
    2. “I must think” I said the shock of what just happened hitting me all at once almost knocking me over.
    3. I was sitting on my couch talking to my friend who my dog seemed to not like and you’ll never guess what happened next.
    4. I entered the pet store my the sound making my ears deaf, out of all eh dangerous places I never expected this place to be one of them.
    5. You’ll never win dog I shouted to the cat next door who always pooped on my lawn, what I never realized was that something’s can be taken as bad in all languages.

    Now here are my bad hooks
    1. I never thought my dog could talk I was wrong.

    2. I’m going to talk about dogs talking.

    3. A dog walked over to my and said hey I can talk.

    My essay topic is an essay about traffic in Shanghai

    My good hooks are
    1. When in traffic in shanghai be sure to tell your driver to be careful
    2. Traffic in Shanghai can be tedious here are some tips to help you get along.
    3. Traffic in shanghai can take hours to go through make sure to have something to do while you’re stuck in traffic.
    4. Going from pudong to puxi already takes long enough during the normal hours but do you want to know why it takes longer in the evening stay tuned.
    5. You know when the bus suddenly stops on the bus ride home that long stop isn’t a traffic light, it’s the traffic.

    Here are mu bad hooks.
    1. Traffic in shanghai is long and boring
    2. Traffic in shanghai isn’t fun
    3. I like talking about traffic in shanghai.

  24. I didn’t have a pencil sharpener ____so_ I began to gnaw at the wood around the lead, spitting out the pulp, __and___ I exposed the blunt end. I felt even more like a white laboratory rat, _then____ I pulled myself together and raced through the test. _but____ it didn’t seem too difficult or take very long ___although__ I got off to a rough start. (p. 16).

  25. Topic: Robots and humans
    Bad Hooks:
    -A war between robots and humans started.
    -Robots and humans fought.
    -Robots won.

    Good hooks:
    -A robot shot a bullet over my head. It missed by an inch!
    -Fallen warriors lay over the battlefield; robots and humans fought tirelessly.
    -I wished this war had never happened. Robots and humans died. Many paid a heavy price.
    -A human yelled and shot a bullet at me. I dived under. How long is this war going to last?
    -The robot exploded after the bullet contacted its metal body. The robot next to him glared at the human, and guns exploded into life.

  26. Good Hooks

    1.I pelted up the field, ball between my feet. This was it. Win or lose, shame or victory. I drew back my foot. Wait a second. Let’s back track a bit.
    2.The moment you walk out the airport in shanghai, your hit by a wave of heat and noise. Why? There is one main reason. Traffic.
    3.I sat for a moment, others around me doing the same. It was tough, lugging equipment though the deserted city. Then the wall behind me exploded and the sound of clanking filled the air. A figure raised his gun at me. A low drowning filled the air. “Exterminate all humans!”
    4.“Fetch boy!” Fred yelled to his dog as it bounded down the hill leaping after the stick. It returned with the stick in his mouth, but intend of putting the stick down, it snapped the stick in it’s mouth. “Sit!” Then, the dog stood up. “No.” It said.

    Bad Hooks

    1.We won the game. This is how it happened.
    2.Traffic is horrible in shanghai. Don’t ask me why because it just is.
    3.I like dogs, but not talking ones because their weird. talking ones are not interesting so I will talk about normal ones.

  27. Story
    A story where robots and humans fight over the control of the universe
    -bad hook: There was a war between humans and robots, and the robots lost.
    -bad hook: The war between humans
    -good hook: I could still see the two red eyes of the robot glowing. It would probably be looking for me. Then I thought about how the whole thing started.
    -good hook: I could feel the heat of the fire, they, the robots now have gotten to our base, the only last safe place for humans, as a laser missed me by a millimeter, as I ran away.
    -good hook: A few weeks before, everything seemed to be fine, just until the robots were unleashed. I looked down at the ruins of the battles. Dead parts of robots lying around everywhere, and the bloods of all who sacrificed themselves.

    A story about a country where chocolate rain falls from the sky
    -good hook:Think about rain. Some of you might think that rain is gloomy, you can’t go out there and play with your friends, but think about rains that are chocolate, what do you think?

    A story where a dog suddenly gain the ability to speak
    -bad hook: The dog suddenly got able to speak with humans in any language.
    -good hook: I still can’t believe what happened to my little dog. I could still imagine my dog as a little cute and furry dog, but no, not any more.

    Essay

    An Essay comparing sharks and dolphins
    -bad hook: Sharks are stronger than dolphins and looks cooler
    -bad hook: Sharks have larger and more tooth then dolphins and are stronger.

    A how-to essay on personalizing your Mac
    -bad hook: Let’s personalize your Mac.
    -good hook: Do you want your Mac to look exactly the same as the other people’s, well if not you would like to personalize your Mac, don’t you?

    An Essay about traffic in Shanghai
    -good hook: Can you think about traffic, being deadly? Well at Shanghai it is, think about at least one out of 5 cars having to have a minor, or a major accidents, then think about one out of 2 people, having to have had a minor or a major accidents. That’s Shanghai.
    -good hook: I can’t still believe how close and how many times I have been to getting an accidents at shanghai, but I still can hear the sound of the car beeping, the heat of the car coming right up to me.

  28. Essay topic: personailizing your mac
    Bad hooks
    -Change your Mac.
    -Make your mac better.
    -Personalize your Mac.

    Good hooks
    -The very best way to make your Mac able to BRAG about!!!
    -A great how-to guide on personalizing your Mac to the HIGHEST point!!!!!!!!
    -Make your Mac the best in the world!
    -Your Mac is unique. Make it as the world’s one and only!
    -Personalize your Mac to the very best!

  29. Story Topic: The flying dog

    Bad hook 1:
    •I saw a flying dog. wow. whatever. It must have been a plane.
    Bad hook 2:
    •I watched the flying dog fly over my head, then i woke up.
    Bad Hook 3:
    •The flying dog had brown fur, With no sunglasses. I walked away with disinterest.
    Good hook 1:
    •Super dog swooped down over my head, almost taking my head off. He went for another go, but i shot him in the face with my sling shot which flinched him so i could take another shot.
    Good hook 2:
    •Rookie dog hung onto the side of the cliff, waiting for the moment of death. The shadow came over him, grinning at him as he stepped on rookie dogs toe and he fell into the ocean below. But what the man realized, is that he didn’t hear him touch the ground. Super dog swooped up from the cliff, holding his pistol. 3 Bangs made the man fall as Super Dog flew away as fast as he could.
    Good hook 3:
    •Panting, Super dog found a place to rest. He sat under the palm tree, in the boiling desert. He knew they were going catch him if he didn’t get back soon.
    Good hook 4:
    •Super Dog held his pistol in his hand, waiting for an ODST to jump out and attack. the car park was quite, with no cars. One Of them Jumped out, but he was down before he could even pull the trigger.
    Good hook 5:
    •the glaring sun blinded me as I shaded my eyes to marvel at what i thought was an oversized bird-from the bright fur, and the sunglasses, I realized it was super dog.
    Extra good hook 6:
    •i’d never thought i’d say this but… ” MOM! I SEE A FLYING DOG!” I never took my eyes off the mysterious creature with the ruby red cape… was i scared? Yes

    Essay Topic: The Expo

    Bad hook 1:
    •Hello. The expo was cool. I liked the china pavilion.
    Bad hook 2:
    •Lets talk about shanghai’s expo.
    Bad hook 3:
    •Shanghai Expo wasn’t that good. so i sat on a bench for a while.
    Good hook 1:
    •I walked into the shanghai expo expecting a pile of mess. After i walked in, i realized why people from all around the world come here to see this.
    Good hook 2:
    •I loved the marvelous, beautiful dutch pavilion at the shanghai expo, it had funny looking sheep (not real of course) that you could ride on, and an elevated path going round and round until the top. It was amazing, i could have stayed there for hours.
    Good hook 3:
    •I couldn’t believe it, i was flying. Held by air, In a vent in the Latvian Pavilion at the shanghai expo. Suddenly I started feeling sick and I started spewing everywhere uncontrollably, the vomit started floating with me, and i realized it started to slowly make its way to the other people. in the vent… This is not good.
    Good hook 4:
    •I Made my way to the spanish pavilion. I was in the expo and I was staring at the spanish pavilion with delight, until i felt something at my side pocket. It felt like a hand…
    Good hook 5:
    I saw a man in the distance, i was at the expo and i expected very important people to be here, but i never thought this person would be here. i shook my head in disbelief and took a step closer…

  30. I didn’t have a pencil sharpener 1.so I began to gnaw at the wood around the lead, spitting out the pulp, 2.and I exposed the blunt end. I felt even more like a white laboratory rat, 3. but I pulled myself together and raced through the test. 4.Luckily it didn’t seem too difficult or take very long 5.although I got off to a rough start. (p. 16).

  31. Story-
    3 bad
    -This story is about the humans winning over the robots for the universe
    -Once upon a time there was a princess who wanted to be a peasant
    -Did you know there was a girl who scored the winning goal, and this is how the story goes…

    3 good
    -Hi I’m Kate Asparagus (made up name) and i have a passion for soccer…
    -I am the princess of England, its become so boring and I think I should have a job more constructive
    -A UFO crashed in Brazil, a farmer checked it out, he found some sort of Machine…

    Essay

    3 bad
    -I really really don’t like traffic in Shanghai so Im here to talk to you about burgers
    -I think dolphins are better looking than sharks
    -The super bowl is the reason why people watch TV

    3 good

    -The Super Bowl is one of the biggest sports events in America…
    -Electro Laundry detergent cleans 99.99 germs and leaves a great smell on your clothes
    – The first thing you should do when you personalize your mac is set a password to something only you know and other people wouldn’t think of

  32. Chocolate rain:

    -I look out the window after the stormy night, to find the world covered in chocolate. 🙂
    -Chocolate fell from the sky last night 😦
    – Story gray clouds formed over my head, I got a good look at them, they werent gray, they were brown, just as a drop of chocolate plopped onto my window. 🙂
    – CHocolate falls from the sky 😦
    -If you believed chocolate couldnt fall from the sky, then you better think again.

    Traffic in SHanghai

    – There is traffic in shanghai alot 😦
    -THe traffic in shanghai is terrible! DUring rush our in puxi, you would have to wait five minutes until you would be able to move again! 🙂
    -Traffic in Shanghai is bad 😦
    -Have you ever been stuck in a highway for what feels like forever? Well if you have, welcome to Shanghai 🙂
    – Traffic in Shanghai is an every day thing. :)…. ?

    sorry I posted this so late
    -Miranda

  33. Story topic: A story about a princess who wants to be a peasant girl.
    Good hooks:

    *As she rode through the town on her stately horse she saw a young girl talking to her donkey; that’s when her wishful thinking began.

    *If only, Esmerelda thought before leaving the sweet little cottage.

    *Shunning the uncomfortable gowns of a princess, Mina would rather wander the gardens pretending to be what she had always wanted to be.

    *The little princess wanted to live in the village so badly, even if it only was for a short time, but her father would not have it, and that was that.

    *Now that her yearning for the simple life had become more violent, her only confident was the small blue journal with forget-me-nots on the cover.

    Bad hooks:
    *I am a princess that wants to be a peasant.

    *“Daddy I want to be a peasant”

    *Once upon a time there was a princess that wanted to be a peasant.

    Essay topic: An essay about traffic in shanghai.
    Good hooks:

    *Driving along in the bus, to and from school I have a lot of time to reflect on things; especially the traffic.

    *If you are a reader who has never been in Shanghai, you will never believe how much traffic there is!

    *Honking, pedal pushing, crazily swerving, cars and busses make their way around Shanghai; in any other city, they’d get a ticket!

    *Many times I sit in the car, and think up what i would say to a driver if he killed me, but, of course, I would be dead.

    *I Hate to think what kind of stories a taxi driver had about all the crashes they have been in; even my friends have some sort of tale about crashes.

    Bad hooks:

    *the traffic in shanghai is bad.

    *I don’t like the traffic in shanghai.

    *I am bored so I will write this essay about traffic in Shanghai.

  34. Topic #1 :a story about a country where chocolate rain falls from the sky
    Good Hooks:
    #1. We were in a layover in Shanghai and all of a suddenly we saw chocolate falling

    #2. As we strolled through a park we saw people with buckets with lettering chocolate above there head as the sky turned gray
    Bad Hooks:
    #1. It was raining chocolate and I ate it

    #2. There is chocolate on the floor because it rained
    Essay: an essay about traffic in Shanghai
    Good Hook:
    #1. As the car came out of the drive way we bumped a car, we step out and look
    #2. the traffic, more worse everyday
    #3. He crashed and has a arm holding on bye the thread, causing more traffic
    Bad Hooks:
    #1. There is traffic in shanghai

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